Good Old Murphy Screwing Me Over...

I know what I should do, doesn’t mean I want to do it.

I know I should forget this guy.
I know I should tell him the truth about me leaving.
I know that if I pursue this it will just end up in tears.
I know I should walk away before it gets complicated.
However I also know that he makes me smile.
I know he has a good heart.
I know its early days but sometimes he gives me that longing look.
I know when he kisses me, he means it.
And I know that there could possibly be more, but my life isn’t here anymore.

Yes, I know, there are so many possibilities.

My friends keep on telling me to take a chance.
Maybe he follows you there.
But what if he doesn’t?
What if he’s a user?
What if he’s just a player like the rest of them?
What if he hurts me and I wasted my time? The only time I have left here in JHB.
But then again, as my friends so nicely point out, what if he makes you happy?
What if he isn’t a player?
What if he goes to the end of the world to do anything for you?

Sigh. Yes, it sounds magical. And watching him, I sometimes find myself getting so lost in how he carries himself, how he laughs, how he looks at me. But to be completely honest (and realistic), life isn’t so nice. I’ve had too many nightmares to believe that such a big WHAT IF could materialise.

 

Regardless of my dilemma, my inner goddess has that little bit faith left, for the both of us, and is screaming to give this a chance. Screaming that it’s better to live with heartache than a ‘I wonder what would have happened, had I given it a chance – but I’ll never know.’ And yes, I would rather experience life than live with what ifs. There’s just too many.

And on the contrary, I promised myself no man would define my decision of going, okay so I’m still leaving, but why oh why do I feel so compelled to this guy? I knew this would happen. Murphy’s law.
 

Part of me is keeping my distance, the other is texting him randomly. Selfish me wants to enjoy the time that I have here with him and not say anything, but my conscious reminds me it’s not fair on him. Then again it could fizzle out before I leave anyway…

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I know what I should do, but it doesn’t mean I want to do it. Because maybe just maybe everything works out the way I want it to...

What would you do?

Life holds no prisoners

I am reminded constantly how life holds no prisoners.
How kindness is a weakness.
That there is no love without pain.
And that as soon as life is going great, it turns around and says ‘hang on a minute’ and screws you over.

I’m not going to express my utter disgust and hate for men but instead, concentrate on myself and where I think I have gone wrong and how to bring myself back.

I seem to attract the ‘issue’ types. But could it possibly mean the issue lies deep within myself?
In the past the 3 years I have so come so far and life hit me so hard that I down spiralled into a very dark place, yet you get the realisation that no one else makes your life except yourself. So there I was, picked myself up, got my sh*t together and decided to make a concerted effort to turn my dark place into a bearable, border lining a happy place.

And here I am, almost there. I even decided that I wouldn’t compare anyone to him and I didn’t. I decided it was time to give someone else a chance, yet no matter what type of guy I go for – it's the same crap over and over. I even stopped going for the good looking ones. I don’t understand how I keep on making the same mistakes when it comes to men.

I’m so use to the pain from all aspects of life. It’s starting to feel like home. And hey! It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all right?

However, regardless of this I have also learned that no one else can make your life except yourself! YOU have to get up and make a difference – and that’s what I have decided to do. I’ve decided to go a little drastic (I somehow feel compelled to do this, because nothing else makes sense, and nothing else seems to hold enough happiness for me – not even here). So…I’m leaving South Africa – for good. I don’t think majoring as a beach bum is the worst profession in the world right? Of course not.

I’m so excited (who wouldn’t – the Caribbean would make anyone happy), but also, I can’t help but feel this is where my life is meant to be. My time here is done, and for all the people I love here, I hope I have been what you needed me to, and done everything that you expected with the utmost satisfaction.

For the people I have hurt – I am sorry. It was never my intention, and maybe one day I can make it up to you.