Good Old Murphy Screwing Me Over...

I know what I should do, doesn’t mean I want to do it.

I know I should forget this guy.
I know I should tell him the truth about me leaving.
I know that if I pursue this it will just end up in tears.
I know I should walk away before it gets complicated.
However I also know that he makes me smile.
I know he has a good heart.
I know its early days but sometimes he gives me that longing look.
I know when he kisses me, he means it.
And I know that there could possibly be more, but my life isn’t here anymore.

Yes, I know, there are so many possibilities.

My friends keep on telling me to take a chance.
Maybe he follows you there.
But what if he doesn’t?
What if he’s a user?
What if he’s just a player like the rest of them?
What if he hurts me and I wasted my time? The only time I have left here in JHB.
But then again, as my friends so nicely point out, what if he makes you happy?
What if he isn’t a player?
What if he goes to the end of the world to do anything for you?

Sigh. Yes, it sounds magical. And watching him, I sometimes find myself getting so lost in how he carries himself, how he laughs, how he looks at me. But to be completely honest (and realistic), life isn’t so nice. I’ve had too many nightmares to believe that such a big WHAT IF could materialise.

 

Regardless of my dilemma, my inner goddess has that little bit faith left, for the both of us, and is screaming to give this a chance. Screaming that it’s better to live with heartache than a ‘I wonder what would have happened, had I given it a chance – but I’ll never know.’ And yes, I would rather experience life than live with what ifs. There’s just too many.

And on the contrary, I promised myself no man would define my decision of going, okay so I’m still leaving, but why oh why do I feel so compelled to this guy? I knew this would happen. Murphy’s law.
 

Part of me is keeping my distance, the other is texting him randomly. Selfish me wants to enjoy the time that I have here with him and not say anything, but my conscious reminds me it’s not fair on him. Then again it could fizzle out before I leave anyway…

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I know what I should do, but it doesn’t mean I want to do it. Because maybe just maybe everything works out the way I want it to...

What would you do?

Life holds no prisoners

I am reminded constantly how life holds no prisoners.
How kindness is a weakness.
That there is no love without pain.
And that as soon as life is going great, it turns around and says ‘hang on a minute’ and screws you over.

I’m not going to express my utter disgust and hate for men but instead, concentrate on myself and where I think I have gone wrong and how to bring myself back.

I seem to attract the ‘issue’ types. But could it possibly mean the issue lies deep within myself?
In the past the 3 years I have so come so far and life hit me so hard that I down spiralled into a very dark place, yet you get the realisation that no one else makes your life except yourself. So there I was, picked myself up, got my sh*t together and decided to make a concerted effort to turn my dark place into a bearable, border lining a happy place.

And here I am, almost there. I even decided that I wouldn’t compare anyone to him and I didn’t. I decided it was time to give someone else a chance, yet no matter what type of guy I go for – it's the same crap over and over. I even stopped going for the good looking ones. I don’t understand how I keep on making the same mistakes when it comes to men.

I’m so use to the pain from all aspects of life. It’s starting to feel like home. And hey! It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all right?

However, regardless of this I have also learned that no one else can make your life except yourself! YOU have to get up and make a difference – and that’s what I have decided to do. I’ve decided to go a little drastic (I somehow feel compelled to do this, because nothing else makes sense, and nothing else seems to hold enough happiness for me – not even here). So…I’m leaving South Africa – for good. I don’t think majoring as a beach bum is the worst profession in the world right? Of course not.

I’m so excited (who wouldn’t – the Caribbean would make anyone happy), but also, I can’t help but feel this is where my life is meant to be. My time here is done, and for all the people I love here, I hope I have been what you needed me to, and done everything that you expected with the utmost satisfaction.

For the people I have hurt – I am sorry. It was never my intention, and maybe one day I can make it up to you. 

Losing Hope

I'm starting to lose hope when it comes to men. I'm over the crap majority of men come with. The lies and dishonesty. Really, I'm a big girl - no need to try spare my feelings. Any human being values honesty over anything else - regardless of what it is. The constant games, and going back and forth.

I've reached a point in my 'love life' that I actually don't want to meet any new guys or go on any dates anymore; it’s simply wasting my time over and over again. Because it's the whole sussing them out, getting to know them, deciding if their baggage is worth putting up with, ensure they are ambitious, mature and respectful. I cannot begin to tell you how draining that all is.

Lately the only people you meet are the ones who want a short term fling thing, or the disgraceful once off “wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am” or as they like to put it NSA (no strings attached) fun (I think they think that’s the nice way of putting it – when we all know there is no nice way of putting it haha), or the complete heartbroken ones who are too scared to even remotely speak to the other sex in case they get hurt again. And let’s not forget the issue children, who come with more baggage than my friends and I combined (I know everyone comes with issues, but sometimes some people are just insane. How they live with themselves only they know).
Where have the decent men disappeared to? Oh yes that’s right, they either already taken or gay.

This leaves me with a saddened dilemma of either remaining celibate and being alone forever, becoming lesbian, or thinning out my already non-existent patience? Decisions decisions.
Which is a real pity, because like all women, I have my little white wedding in my head with my prince charming, who would sweep me off my feet and catch me!
Wishful thinking hey?

Argh – over it. Dating is overrated and so are men!

The Pain Creeps In

I never thought my lungs would collapse,
I'm desperate for air,
Struggling to find my inner core to hold myself back together,

I loved you before I met you,
Yet now I'm paying the price of regret,
The pain of seeing someone else making you happy is tearing me apart,
How did I get to this point, why did I feel so much  to just end up being so heart broken,

The confusion and agony takes over,
Eating every part of my heart and soul,
I didn't realise I'd be in so deep,
I didn't realise the pain had the power to creep in so bad,

As the tears fall down my cheeks, they engrave the love I have for you,
With my pain creeping in, let's live in sin,
Grab my hand instead and make me eternally yours.

Dating 'No No' #3: Being Late

This one is probably the one I feel the most strongly about.
I have always taken pride in the manners my mother has brought me up with, I somehow seem to find less and less people that were not brought up the same way.
Being late is a statement about how little regard you have for other peoples time. It's disrespectful, rude and narcissistic. It's simply just poor manners. No to mention the first impression you give.

This speaks volumes and there will never be another date. I would be ashamed to even introduce this guy to my mother. She would have a damn heart attack should he rock up late.

How does a male think this impresses a woman? It happens so often and to be quite frank, I find it disgusting.
If a time of 7pm was arranged, you arrive 5min early. Don't ever 1. Keep me waiting, or even worse 2. Phone at 7pm to say you're going to be late (why do people wait till the time you are supposed to meet them to inform you that they are running late? If you know you are going to be late you let me know before hand, and as early as possible). I'm sorry but that is not on. I don't care who you are.
Look I do understand traffic issues etc, but as previously said, let me know prior.

There it is, simple - nothing more to it.

Dating ‘No No’ #2: Assuming you’re getting lucky

Chatted to this chap for quite a while till I decided to go on a date with him. Not some model, but he seemed like a decent guy, please note the word ‘seemed.’ And given he didn’t say what he did I could probably have given it a chance.

Anyway after my eventful yet rough weekend I was extremely tired when meeting this guy for dinner, and I was really not in the mood but went as I don’t believe in cancelling once plans have been made (I am very pedantic about time and keeping to plans, another dating ‘no no’ which will be in my next blog).

The evening was really nice, we went for dinner, and chatted about random things. I get home to find the following message on my phone:

‘thanks for a lovely evening, if only we had more time and weren’t so tired, maybe we could have ended sleeping in the same bed’
‘Excuse me? Sorry I’m not the type of girl who does that on the first date’
‘Then the second?’

Hahahahaha you have got to be kidding me? NEXT!

I was chatting to a friend today, and something she said was so right, the operative word here is ‘seemed.’

I’m horrified. Even the nice guys are idiots. Well he’s not a nice guy anymore hey? I officially give up on men. You give the nice guys a go, and yet you still get disappointed. If I wanted a womaniser I would go get one.

Assumptions in general should be shot! It’s like the men that assume I belong to them. And this idiot who assumed I would sleep with him. It is very insulting!

Assume: makes an ass out of you and me! Keep that in mind next time you assume :P

Words Heal

I was going through my PC and found some poetry I did at one point in my life when I was a mess, hopelessly in love, back in my mess. And the only thing that helped me was writing. Wanted to share some - enjoy :)

1. (Didn't name this one)

I can’t believe how I could hardly function thinking I screwed up with you!

What have you done to me?
Just thinking about you, makes me shake, makes me breathless,
I can’t talk or move!
Your poison has consumed me.

My mind is all over the place,
Feelings are rushing through me,
Telling me to walk away,
But at the same time to fight for you!
Just writing this makes it harder for my lungs to breathe,

I’m a mess,

The side effects of you are driving me crazy,
I just want to be with you,
Even if it’s not the way I want.
Just to be next to you, just to look at you,
And have you looking back at me.

You’ve drawn me in,

Injected me with your toxin,
Running through my veins is all you,
You’re filling the hole in my heart,
Inside me, I’m overloading with butterflies.
 

I never want this feeling to go away!

Make me yours...
Make me happy....


2. Goodbye

I think this is the last time I’m going to write about you,

And before I carry on, I’d like to thank you for being the reason I started writing again,
You accomplished a lot with me without even knowing,
And although I did the work myself, it was because of who you are that I have changed and opened new doors.
 

Thinking back to how you made me feel...wow, I was in bliss,

I was so whipped, so deep in everything that you were,
That I couldn’t breathe, function or even think
And its amazing how one little conversation changed all of that

I loved the fact that I loved the thought of being in love with you

I loved the fact that you didnt feel the same back
I even the loved the fact you were a d*ck sometimes
It has made me feel again, and let you go all in short moment to help me move on with life.

So, my new adventure starts :)

So excited, although I am sad to leave
But there was one part of you that made me stop having all those feelings,
The many women you bedded,

However, I couldn’t be more grateful to you for being honest!

It’s something I cherish a lot in life,
But unfortunately I couldn’t bring myself to feel the same way anymore,
Or even carry on fighting for you.

I wish you only the best,

I wish you happiness, love and magical moments.
However I can see the table turning on you one day,
Pity the women who cared for you won’t be there to save you…

This is my final goodbye,

My thank you’s,
My best wishes,
That’s all I have left for you, the rest of me now belongs to me, right where it should be.

3. Let Go

I’m still dragging my feet along this road,

Hitting each bump and pothole along the way,
Hurting each and every time.

I keep on doing this to myself,

Letting my most inner fears consume me,
And win over the battles that I keep on fighting for.

I’m drowning in my own sea of hate and hurt,

Why? Why can’t I open my eyes and realise my potential?
Leave the past behind, and work on moving forward.

I’m so angry. So hurt. So lost.

I’m starting to think I’ve lost me forever,
A whirl wind captivating me and not letting go.

Can I possibly get me back?

Can I finally win this fight?
Can I eventually forgive everything and let go?