Losing Hope

I'm starting to lose hope when it comes to men. I'm over the crap majority of men come with. The lies and dishonesty. Really, I'm a big girl - no need to try spare my feelings. Any human being values honesty over anything else - regardless of what it is. The constant games, and going back and forth.

I've reached a point in my 'love life' that I actually don't want to meet any new guys or go on any dates anymore; it’s simply wasting my time over and over again. Because it's the whole sussing them out, getting to know them, deciding if their baggage is worth putting up with, ensure they are ambitious, mature and respectful. I cannot begin to tell you how draining that all is.

Lately the only people you meet are the ones who want a short term fling thing, or the disgraceful once off “wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am” or as they like to put it NSA (no strings attached) fun (I think they think that’s the nice way of putting it – when we all know there is no nice way of putting it haha), or the complete heartbroken ones who are too scared to even remotely speak to the other sex in case they get hurt again. And let’s not forget the issue children, who come with more baggage than my friends and I combined (I know everyone comes with issues, but sometimes some people are just insane. How they live with themselves only they know).
Where have the decent men disappeared to? Oh yes that’s right, they either already taken or gay.

This leaves me with a saddened dilemma of either remaining celibate and being alone forever, becoming lesbian, or thinning out my already non-existent patience? Decisions decisions.
Which is a real pity, because like all women, I have my little white wedding in my head with my prince charming, who would sweep me off my feet and catch me!
Wishful thinking hey?

Argh – over it. Dating is overrated and so are men!

The Pain Creeps In

I never thought my lungs would collapse,
I'm desperate for air,
Struggling to find my inner core to hold myself back together,

I loved you before I met you,
Yet now I'm paying the price of regret,
The pain of seeing someone else making you happy is tearing me apart,
How did I get to this point, why did I feel so much  to just end up being so heart broken,

The confusion and agony takes over,
Eating every part of my heart and soul,
I didn't realise I'd be in so deep,
I didn't realise the pain had the power to creep in so bad,

As the tears fall down my cheeks, they engrave the love I have for you,
With my pain creeping in, let's live in sin,
Grab my hand instead and make me eternally yours.

Dating 'No No' #3: Being Late

This one is probably the one I feel the most strongly about.
I have always taken pride in the manners my mother has brought me up with, I somehow seem to find less and less people that were not brought up the same way.
Being late is a statement about how little regard you have for other peoples time. It's disrespectful, rude and narcissistic. It's simply just poor manners. No to mention the first impression you give.

This speaks volumes and there will never be another date. I would be ashamed to even introduce this guy to my mother. She would have a damn heart attack should he rock up late.

How does a male think this impresses a woman? It happens so often and to be quite frank, I find it disgusting.
If a time of 7pm was arranged, you arrive 5min early. Don't ever 1. Keep me waiting, or even worse 2. Phone at 7pm to say you're going to be late (why do people wait till the time you are supposed to meet them to inform you that they are running late? If you know you are going to be late you let me know before hand, and as early as possible). I'm sorry but that is not on. I don't care who you are.
Look I do understand traffic issues etc, but as previously said, let me know prior.

There it is, simple - nothing more to it.

Dating ‘No No’ #2: Assuming you’re getting lucky

Chatted to this chap for quite a while till I decided to go on a date with him. Not some model, but he seemed like a decent guy, please note the word ‘seemed.’ And given he didn’t say what he did I could probably have given it a chance.

Anyway after my eventful yet rough weekend I was extremely tired when meeting this guy for dinner, and I was really not in the mood but went as I don’t believe in cancelling once plans have been made (I am very pedantic about time and keeping to plans, another dating ‘no no’ which will be in my next blog).

The evening was really nice, we went for dinner, and chatted about random things. I get home to find the following message on my phone:

‘thanks for a lovely evening, if only we had more time and weren’t so tired, maybe we could have ended sleeping in the same bed’
‘Excuse me? Sorry I’m not the type of girl who does that on the first date’
‘Then the second?’

Hahahahaha you have got to be kidding me? NEXT!

I was chatting to a friend today, and something she said was so right, the operative word here is ‘seemed.’

I’m horrified. Even the nice guys are idiots. Well he’s not a nice guy anymore hey? I officially give up on men. You give the nice guys a go, and yet you still get disappointed. If I wanted a womaniser I would go get one.

Assumptions in general should be shot! It’s like the men that assume I belong to them. And this idiot who assumed I would sleep with him. It is very insulting!

Assume: makes an ass out of you and me! Keep that in mind next time you assume :P

Words Heal

I was going through my PC and found some poetry I did at one point in my life when I was a mess, hopelessly in love, back in my mess. And the only thing that helped me was writing. Wanted to share some - enjoy :)

1. (Didn't name this one)

I can’t believe how I could hardly function thinking I screwed up with you!

What have you done to me?
Just thinking about you, makes me shake, makes me breathless,
I can’t talk or move!
Your poison has consumed me.

My mind is all over the place,
Feelings are rushing through me,
Telling me to walk away,
But at the same time to fight for you!
Just writing this makes it harder for my lungs to breathe,

I’m a mess,

The side effects of you are driving me crazy,
I just want to be with you,
Even if it’s not the way I want.
Just to be next to you, just to look at you,
And have you looking back at me.

You’ve drawn me in,

Injected me with your toxin,
Running through my veins is all you,
You’re filling the hole in my heart,
Inside me, I’m overloading with butterflies.
 

I never want this feeling to go away!

Make me yours...
Make me happy....


2. Goodbye

I think this is the last time I’m going to write about you,

And before I carry on, I’d like to thank you for being the reason I started writing again,
You accomplished a lot with me without even knowing,
And although I did the work myself, it was because of who you are that I have changed and opened new doors.
 

Thinking back to how you made me feel...wow, I was in bliss,

I was so whipped, so deep in everything that you were,
That I couldn’t breathe, function or even think
And its amazing how one little conversation changed all of that

I loved the fact that I loved the thought of being in love with you

I loved the fact that you didnt feel the same back
I even the loved the fact you were a d*ck sometimes
It has made me feel again, and let you go all in short moment to help me move on with life.

So, my new adventure starts :)

So excited, although I am sad to leave
But there was one part of you that made me stop having all those feelings,
The many women you bedded,

However, I couldn’t be more grateful to you for being honest!

It’s something I cherish a lot in life,
But unfortunately I couldn’t bring myself to feel the same way anymore,
Or even carry on fighting for you.

I wish you only the best,

I wish you happiness, love and magical moments.
However I can see the table turning on you one day,
Pity the women who cared for you won’t be there to save you…

This is my final goodbye,

My thank you’s,
My best wishes,
That’s all I have left for you, the rest of me now belongs to me, right where it should be.

3. Let Go

I’m still dragging my feet along this road,

Hitting each bump and pothole along the way,
Hurting each and every time.

I keep on doing this to myself,

Letting my most inner fears consume me,
And win over the battles that I keep on fighting for.

I’m drowning in my own sea of hate and hurt,

Why? Why can’t I open my eyes and realise my potential?
Leave the past behind, and work on moving forward.

I’m so angry. So hurt. So lost.

I’m starting to think I’ve lost me forever,
A whirl wind captivating me and not letting go.

Can I possibly get me back?

Can I finally win this fight?
Can I eventually forgive everything and let go?
 

Are men becoming women?

Got to love the rollercoaster ride dating puts you on.

Lately the men I have been meeting have been a joke. To put it lightly.

I’m confused by the types of guys I meet, you get the clingy ones (which generally p*ss me off, so I write those off very quickly), or the nice guy (but too nice – there’s a fine line), the playas (which to me automatically becomes a challenge to play the playa, I generally succeed :P), the complete a**holes, I try give them a run for their money for a good laugh.

However regardless of the type of male, I have come to realise lately that men are becoming more like women, and women are becoming men.

The problem the men make with me is assume I am their girlfriend. I am no one’s girlfriend. There’s a reason I am not in a relationship. So no, I don’t have to answer to you, or let you know where I am or who I’m with. And if I am with another guy, you’re not allowed to get upset with me either – obviously jealousy may set in, but I make it very clear in the beginning with any guy I meet that he must not, I repeat MUST NOT have any expectations of me, so your little issues are not my problem. Do not assume I am going to date you, kiss you, or even see you. And yes I am busy, I’m sorry I cannot fit you into my busy schedule.

With all this said? The emotions come pouring out. And I’m left wondering wtf happened to testosterone. My personal opinion? It has disappeared and isn’t coming back.

Many times I have been called a cold heartless b*tch. But to be honest and fair here, I am not living my life to look after others people’s feelings. It is simple, I state perfectly from the beginning the following two things: Do not have any expectations of me, and do not fall for me - so I really do not see a problem here, or feel bad if a guy falls for me and I do not return the same feelings. I play and set the cards out from the word go, so whatever happens there after has nothing to do with me.

So with all this said? I have ‘women’ moaning and complaining at me 24/7.

We can all understand the demands work can have right? So yeah there won’t be days I will talk to you, don’t look into it or analyse it, I am not ignoring you, I swear. Yet, I still get the treatment of a 5 year old throwing a tantrum. I mean seriously? I don’t have time for this.

There is nothing worse than a guy showing insecurity issues. There’s obviously a reason I am talking to you, don’t fish for compliments all the bloody time. You’re not going to get them.

See how harsh I am, and how soft men are? Things are seriously changing!

Last week I had a total of 3 dates in one week – and not ONE of them have caught my attention, is something wrong with me? Or am I just over men and their nonsense? I’ll choose the latter thanks.

Dating ‘No No’ #1: Making the woman second option

Let’s give you the quick and short version rather than bore you.

He started off very nice on our first date, well groomed boy (I was a bit taken back by his lumo green shirt, but what the heck, everyone is trying to make a fashion statement these days right?), well mannered, paid for the bill (which I believe is right thing to do for the first few dates, call me old school), had a decent job, and seemed like he had his head screwed on right off his oh so yummy built shoulders….

Yeah I’m drifting off the conversation here. Anyway, point being  is he seemed decent. THEN those lips reached for mine and he licked my entire face, I politely told him less tongue would suffice. He obliged and kissed really nicely after that. After a few kissing minutes, we called it an evening.

 

Persisted the Sunday after the Wednesday date he wanted to see me, I proclaimed how busy I was. He didn’t stop. I however fell asleep only to find a message on my phone saying ‘fine then you won’t see me tomorrow’  O_o

Ha ha ha ha ha ha REALLY?

He apologised after that, and anyway then suggested another date, I said fine. He said he would let me know by Wednesday (this is now pushing your luck, but anyway, everyone deserves a second chance).

Okay fine, no problem.

The next Wednesday came, and he asked what I wanted to do.

“Umm?? Well you still said you would let me know”

“I’ll know by 3, but if I’m free, what would you like to do?”

“Heh, I’m no second option to your first option failing darling”

Why is it anyone (not necessarily men) think it’s okay to have someone as a second option?

Thing is, we do it all the time.
Even I do. If plans don’t work out with the one friend, I let another friend know I’m free.

However, when it comes to dates it’s a whole new ball game.

I’m sorry if I am not good enough for your first option, don’t bother.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Bumpy Road

I don’t even know where to start. Let’s see, work is playing heavily on my motivation to get up and even show my face.

How I am still working here 3 years down the line beats me. Solution: Look for a new job. I preferably want a job in CT now, I did ask for a transfer there with the current job I’m at about 2 years ago, think they gave it thought? Well I guess they did, they just didn’t want to give me up in the current position I’m in. Okay so yes I feel valuable, but this isn’t about them *serious look*

Hmm where else am I being screwed? Ah yes friends. Why do friends exceed their limitations with me? Don’t push me. I will do anything for a friend if and when they need help, but my goodness don’t take my whole freaken arm when I’ve given you just my hand. Taking advantage doesn’t sit well with me, especially when I have offered you only kindness and help and consideration. Plus, these are friends I have given a second chance. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I obviously won’t be making the same mistake a third time round. I don’t take lightly to being made an idiot out of.

I think I just had a light bulb moment.

That statement I just said has been a huge impact on my life as of late. With regards to friends and men.

But seriously, why is it people take advantage of the good we show them?

Yet we stick around the idiots that have no value in our lives?

The friends that stab you in the back, the men that hurt you time and time again.

*sigh* I think most of the problem is ourselves right? For letting it happen? Does this mean I should stop being nice?

Life has the constant disappointments from the people we expect it from the least. Constant hurting, the feeling of being let down, the feeling of being used. It never ends does it?

The same lies with my history of men. For those of you who don’t know I lost a very dear person that still is close to my heart, 2 and a half years ago (my boyfriend at the time had commit suicide), and I know I have had my ups and downs regarding it, but I do believe I am over it. Well, over it in the sense that time does heal all wounds. Technically I don’t think anyone ever gets over something like that, you just learn how to deal with it better. Anyways, back to what I was saying, so yeah, in the past 2 and a half years I have yet to find my prince charming. And I think I have perfected the art of dating in the interim haha, true story!

I can tell the playa’s from the psycho’s. The clingy ones from the complete broken ones who won’t let you a meter closer to their heart. Men are just as crazy as woman out there…

I do believe that, it is because of the people we have met in our lives that make us who we are today, whether they hurt us or made us incredibly happy. In essence, we learn, and grow, and form the person we currently are today.

And everything happens for a reason. So I must learn from this and move on…

I love how writing does the light bulb moment thingy J

The Beginning

So, thanks to an awesome lady I know (Banana Anna), I have decided to start a blog of my own.

I think it's very interesting sharing ones views and opinions. More importantly letting it all out when you need to. I have always had a tendency to write - whether it be letters, poems or just random words that I need to jot down on a piece of paper. I love writing, especially to express my feelings. I feel it's the best way that I know how, to let others know what's deep down inside. And so, I figured what's the best way to express feelings and share experiences than on a blog, where it can be shared? Yeah, I thought it was a fantastic idea too :)
And anyway I have a terrible memory, writing things down could help me remember.

So lets start with a bit about me, there's 4 words: Crazy (in a good way obviously - I'm not psycho or anything, I promise *eye twitches*), sociable, funny and honest (but blatantly honest).

The craziness either attracts people to me like glue, or repels them completely. I'm like marmite, either you love me or hate me. It's more me being random and living in my own world really.

The sociable part me is something I could ever give up. I have a fear of growing old alone, and so I figured if somehow I don't end up with the fairytale (marriage with an amazing man and loving kids - wait who am I kidding, does that even exist? Anyway), I can always fall back on my sociable ways - seeing as I have mastered it. Although on a more serious note, I love people and interacting with people, laughing and having a good time, because what's the point of doing that alone? Aren't memories suppose to made of great times you share with others? (come to think about it, I don;t have any memories of me, myself and I anyway).

My humour is very sarcastic yet witty. I am generally the one making everyone laugh. Thing is, I don;t even try, somehow my mouth just opens and says random things.

Ah and my favourite - honest. I tell it like it is whether you like it or not. Life shouldn't be candy coated, life is real. I will be completely honest with you, all that I ask is that I get the same in return.

There we go, that about sums me up!

'Jadey's Crazy Life' blogs are on their way - hoping to get some fans that actually like them - ha ha.

Till then xx